28 weeks....29 weeks....apparently 30 weeks

It amazes me how big I have gotten in the past month! I am now 28 weeks along and into my 3rd trimester. I'm not ready for this to end. Every time I think about the summer, I stop because I'm not ready to have my baby in my arms, yet. Not that I don't want to hold her and touch her and see her. I just love having her inside me and feeling her movements. Lately, I have felt her littles bones and can feel just how long her foot is. I can also feel how long her arms are, which is so neat. I forgot how painful it is as they get bigger, though because she starts sticking out both sides of my belly when she stretches and then it feels like she has turned my bladder into a bounce house. After church one Sunday, I told Daddy T that I needed to stop by the bathroom on the way to the nursery. He told me hold it just for a bit. I insisted that I needed to go and when I came back I had to inform him never to tell me to hold it when I'm pregnant. When she bounces, I gotta go! There's not much warning!

Daddy T is once again reminded as to why he hates me being pregnant in the summer. He came home the first day that we had run the air conditioner and asked me what I had it set to. I didn't want to really tell him because I figured it was too low. When he looked, he couldn't believe it because I had it at 68. Oops! I've since moved it to 72 when he's not looking and then I make sure to turn it up a bit as the day goes on. He has gotten really good at ignoring me in the middle of the night when I huff and puff and complain about how hot it is! I go next week to get my glucose testing done. I'm kinda looking forward to it because it will be at least an hour of reading! Nonstop, uninterrupted reading!

27 weeks

29 weeks

Glucose

I love sugar, but that's not why I'm titling my post this. I am apparently 30 weeks along this already. Seriously? I think somehow I lost count because I really thought I was only 28 weeks along. 30 is big. Blake was born at 36 weeks. That's like....not that far away. I secretly don't mind going longer because perhaps it'll be born on my birthday or the 4th! How cool would that be? Fireworks (for free) on your birthday. Sounds good to me! Anyway, that's not what this post is about, either.

I had my glucose test this past week. I am assuming it turned out fine because I haven't heard otherwise, thank goodness. Let me just say that the drink you must suck down doesn't really taste bad...if you like sugar and lots of it. I like sugar, but only a little of it. I absolutely HATE drinks full of sugar. I am the type of person who prefers water (or coffee) to sodas. I like to have a sip of a coke or a sip or two of whatever Daddy T's drinking (except for sweet tea these days...I love that stuff) and I'm good. Too much sugar makes me feel sick. Our baby girl apparently likes the stuff though. Her heartrate had been going down at every appointment. It was down to 140 bpm last month. This month, you ask? Well, after drinking that sugary drink in 5 minutes and waiting an hour, it was 160 and you could visibily see her poking out both sides of my belly. It was funny to watch, but annoying when I was trying to sit still because it kept making me jump. She has quite the kick!

I am now to the point where I go every 2 weeks. How that snuck up on me, I don't know except maybe for the fact that I can barely keep track of what day it is today and please don't ask me what the number date is. I know I'm in April and I think that's good enough. It's even better that I know that I am at the end of April!

I have a post titled 28 weeks all edited and saved and ready to be posted. But...since I'm not 28 weeks, I wanted to post this one first. I'll add an updated pregnancy picture to that post so you can see what 30 weeks has done to me. The only thing that picture doesn't show is the decrease in my energy level! Just know it's there.

Jumbled Thoughts

B has been quite challenging lately. I have known before having kids that I am not the most patient person in the world, much to the dismay of many people, I know! I can appear to be patient, but inside I become quite frustrated. It's something about myself that I'm not quite happy with and have been dealing with God about. Hence why I think He allowed me the chance to be a mother! I am learning that being a mother is the fastest way to cure patience and selfishness. It's also the best way to learn sometimes the worst about yourself. You know, those things that you'd rather hide and pretend don't exist. Those character qualities that you thought would never cause a problem in your life.

B started the week out great. I kept thinking "Man, I am really improving in patience." Then came Wednesday. I hated myself by the end of the day because I was so frustrated with him. It take a lot out of you when you try to stay consistent in your discipline and following through with what you promised them you would do if they disobeyed. Our discipline varies depending on the actions (which Daddy T and I have discussed and labeled what we think is appropriate punishment), but there are times where I just want to sit, throw my hands up, and say "that's it for today. I'm done. Someone else can discipline him for me." That's how I feel. It's not how I act because I know how important it is to be consistent.

The toughest part is knowing what to do in public. That's where I become the most frustrated because I don't know what to do when he melts down and gets so frustrated that he can't calm down. At home there are a lot of options. In public, not so much. I know I'm not alone in this feeling because God has really spoken to several other of my friends this past week and month about our loneliness and frustrations of motherhood. I know there is so much more that God wants for me as a mother and I want to be that. I don't want to be the type of mother you hear always complaining about their children. I want to be a grace-based parent. I want to be patient. Part of that means slowing down and really searching myself. To be honest, that's one reason I'm thrilled to be having a baby in a couple of months. Those months after the baby is born is great because no one expects you to do anything and you have that time to slow down and make necessary changes. Since I've been through it before, I guess I'm already starting to prepare the ways in which I need to slow down. I can't keep saying "yes" to everything and still make my family and God first. Something will give and it will be my sanity, I'm sure of it.

I think so many moms feel this way, but no one really voices it for a variety of reasons. I'm so thankful for my wonderful friends who were real and transparent with me today and this past week as I shared my struggles and, at times, my tears of failure. I'm thankful for them meeting together today to let our kiddos play, eat, and melt down together. And we all understood and no one judged. I'm thankful that this is a regular group of girls who I know are constantly growing in their faith and striving to do things God's way, even when it's different. I'm thankful that they don't mind their toes being stepped on either. I'm thankful that God has put them in my life to help. I'm also thankful for all of those moms and friends I have elsewhere who encourage me through their blogs and their cards and phone calls. Even those who I babysat for taught me so much about parenting styles. Many conversations with a good friend have stayed with me about being consistent in disciplining and how it's best to do it early. She always joked how it would keep them out of jail!

In my quiet times this week....which have also been full of tears and reflections and crying out to God to help me with patience and wisdom, He has led me to read Proverbs. I swear I've never seen several of the verses He has led me to read! Or maybe it's that I'm reading the NLT so the wording is a bit different. Who knows! Anyway, He is showing me how discipline and wisdom always go together. I think this can is true in not only the spiritual form, but also in the physical sense. I'm not for sure what He's trying to show me, but I'm on the lookout for it because I'm excited to see how He is going to reveal this revelation to me! I know that God disciplines me and I know I throw fits. The difference is that He has patience that overflows and I have the patience of who knows what! I just know that I can hit my limit quite easily when all I hear is crying, whining, and everything else. Don't get me wrong. B is a good kid and we have lots of fun. It's just that when it's bad, it's bad. It may not last long, but it's a struggle nonetheless.

I'm definitely tired and getting more tired, which means that I can't go on at this pace. I'm not the type of person who can go on little rest. I have always needed 9 hours of sleep or more, otherwise I end up suffering from my sickness. I've learned to control it through exercising, sleeping, and eating right (or better!). Busyness doesn't work for me. It never has and I guess it never will. I just hate feeling like I'm letting people down. So, if I say "no" to something you've asked me to do or volunteer for, it's not because I hate you or don't want to help. It's that I'm trying to figure out where everything needs to fit in my life and whether God wants it in my life or not.

Don't get me wrong. I'm so incredibly thankful to be home with my baby boy. It is by far the most difficult job I have ever done. Going to work and doing therapy with others and interacting with adults is easy. Sure it tests your patience and makes you work with others and all of those other things, but it's nothing like staying home with your child day in and day out and knowing what makes them tick and foreseeing things before it happens. Nothing could have prepared me for being a stay-at-home mommy. I know it's only going to get better and harder as he grows, so I'm praying for that wisdom and discipline now in hopes that I will learn it before it's too late!

I know this post was full of random, jumbled thoughts, but I warned you in the title! Perhaps my thoughts made some sense. If not, it at least helped to write it all out.

Book Review: Son of Hamas

I cannot possibly say enough good things about this book, except that it is amazing. I highly recommend anyone and everyone to read it. It answers a lot of questions about Hamas and how they operate. It also answers a lot of questions I had about Palestine and Israel. Talk about an act of faith to go against your family and their beliefs and to make public your relationship with Christ Jesus. The forward in the book written to his father is enough to break your heart, but to also be so happy about his stand for Christ.

Mosab talks a lot about how he was led to Christ and how he searched for a god that was not like the god of the Qur'an. When an Israeli Bible Study group accepted him for who he was and his religion and gave him a Bible, he started reading it and came to see that God is different than the Islam god. Our God is loving, yet corrects. He is fair and just. He is compassionate and kind. Not the god of Islam.

It cost Mosab a lot to write this book. I can't possibly do this book the justice it deserves because I could write paragraph upon paragraph on this book. Instead, I'll leave you with what he posted on his blog a few days ago. You can click on the picture of the book to be taken to his website. Once you've read the book, I'd love to hear your personal opinion on it!

After Son of Hamas was released on March 2, everybody was telling me, “Congratulations! Congratulations!” And I appreciate their good will. But I want you to know that this was not the biggest victory in my life. It has been, and continues to be, my worst nightmare. I am going to share my heart and thoughts with you because I do not want you to be thinking that I am celebrating and having fun, while I feel like I am dying inside.

Any other author celebrates with his friends and family when his book comes out. How did I feel? I was crushed, because the day before the release, I learned on the news that my family had disowned me. Even though I knew they had to do it in order to protect themselves a little from the blow that was about to fall, it broke my heart. Because of me, the people I love most in this world now have to live as though their eldest son is dead—and even worse, that he died in shame and disgrace, an infidel and traitor.

Try to remember how you felt whenever your mother or father told you how proud they were of you when you accomplished some little thing, won an award, graduated from school, got a good job or a raise. Now imagine that your picture is on the front page of the newspaper, along with a story exposing all of your secret sins in agonizing detail. Imagine your shame and embarrassment, how your family would look at you then, how your friends, neighbors and coworkers would treat you.

And that is small, compared with the fear and guilt and shame heaped upon Muslims by their god. The god of the Qur’an is not tolerant, understanding or forgiving. He hates furiously and punishes without mercy everyone who crosses his red lines.

The shame my decision to go public has brought on my family can never be scrubbed clean. I broke their hearts and ruined their lives. Who will marry my sisters now? How can my brothers return to their schools?

And why? Because of me. I cannot help feeling like Israel’s King David who cried out, “My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.”

My family has already suffered so much. Why did I have to be responsible for piling on even worse suffering?

But I did not feel that I really had a choice. More than 1.5 billion Muslims live sincerely and ignorantly in the pitch darkness of Islam. And I was in a unique position to set many of them free. Son of Hamas was my shot, and I had to take it, no matter what the cost.
So what have I gotten out of writing a bestseller?

The U.S. government has rejected my plea for political asylum, saying that I was connected with a terrorist organization, even though I was never a member of Hamas. I can never become a citizen, and if I leave the country, I cannot return.

Because I became a Christian and helped to save Israeli and Palestinian lives, I am condemned to death by the Qur’an and its god, making it the duty of every good Muslim to kill me.

By going public, I put the lives of my mother, brothers and sisters at extreme risk. They still live in the West Bank, which is ruled by the Fatah faction of the PLO. Fatah hates Hamas because it killed many of its members in Gaza after the 2007 elections. What if Fatah members, afraid that I will reveal more secrets about them, go out of control and start shooting at my parents’ house?

Even Christians in the Middle East are tainted because of me. Now, every Muslim will accuse them of collaborating with Israel, threatening their lives.

At the same time, everywhere I go people try to discredit me and the book. They call me liar and anti-Semite. They say I made things up to make myself look big and important, even after my Shin Bet handler has said publicly that, when he read the book, he was amazed at how I downplayed my involvement and how few of our operations I included.

People accuse me of writing the book to get rich. But I am not rich. Just think for a moment: is there any amount of money that is worth stabbing your own family, friends and culture in the back? Bringing down a death sentence on your head? Living as a fugitive? Every day, I have to deal with all of these consequences alone, working under unbelievable pressure, trying hard to keep a smile on my face during the interviews.

I have lost all and gained little, not even the assurance that the book will do any good.

I am not looking for your pity or sympathy. But I do need some support. I need you to understand how much it really cost to write this book. I am making myself transparent and vulnerable so that maybe you can pray and help me deal with my guilt and frustration, loneliness and discouragement.

Thank you for your patience. Forgive me for taking so long to get this blog up and running. And come back often, because I have much more I want to share with you, both from my own heart and from my perspective on important developments in the Middle East.

K-town Zoo

Daddy T had a business trip, so B and I tagged along. Despite the fact that it was only an hour and a half away, we love going there because we get to go to our favorite zoo. It is so big and you definitely get your workout in. Besides that, we get huge discounts (used to be free, but they just changed that) since we are members at our smaller zoo. On days where it is pretty and we want something to do, we pack up and go to the zoo in our town. It's not as impressive, but B loves the animals and has learned to sign almost all of them.




B enjoyed petting the goats in the petting zoo. He tried to pet the sheep, but they wouldn't come out of the barn. Maybe next time....

B loves elephants, so we stayed and watched them for a bit.

B got to pet this camel. Since I was by myself, I wasn't able to get a picture of him touching it. I wish I could have gotten a picture, though, because he was all smiles. Next time, I am hoping Daddy T comes so that he can ride the camel with B and I can get some good pictures.

Easter in the city

B and Kayden

B did NOT want to sit still for a picture, so this is the best we got.

Easter in the country

B's first sleepover

Daddy T and I let Mama and Pops take B back to their country home Easter weekend. Mama came to our house and went to Kindermusik with us and then took B home with her for the night on Good Friday. I'll admit that I did cry, but I wanted to do it so it wouldn't be such a shocker when I have to go in the hospital. Daddy T and I have decided that we don't want B to come to the hospital because he would cry a lot when he left which would make it harder for me. If he goes and plays with his grandparents, he'll never notice that we're not there. He loves both sets of grandparents, which is great!

B carried his own little sleepover bag to my mom's car and put on his hat. He looked like such a big boy. I couldn't help but cry! I was also a little nervous as to what I would do that night. I mean, I had a lot of things that needed to be done, but I had never been at my house without B so I was afraid that it being quiet would bother me a lot. I made plans to teach a piano lesson and then to hang out at the pottery painting place for a few hours. It was wonderful and relaxing! I painted a beautiful bowl (if I must say so myself) and an outlet cover for our baby girl's room. I kept hearing all of these other kiddos calling for their mom's. Of course, I looked up every time, but I didn't miss being called for or made in a hurry to get home!

Daddy T and I even stayed up late that night to clean out part of my closet and to watch a movie. We knew we'd get to sleep in the next day, so we had no problem at all staying up late. I'll admit that I woke up at 7:30 since it's our routine anyway. I rolled over (as much as a pregnant woman can roll) to Daddy T's side and started saying "huh" to him so he wouldn't feel like he was missing out on anything. Just to clear it up, Daddy T and B say "huh" every morning to each other from their own bedrooms. It proceeds to other words and other sounds, but it always starts with "huh." Thankfully, Daddy T didn't smack me for waking him up since he was awake, too. It wasn't hard to fall back asleep, though.

We took our time getting to the country because we realized that we could do things A LOT faster without B. We felt bad saying that we enjoyed our time without B! It was kind of nice to do things without worrying about naps, bedtimes, dinner times, snack times, how many times we've gotten him in/out of the carseat, etc. We went to pick out our bedding for the baby's room, paint samples, and so many other things. Do you realize what you can do in an hour?! I was amazed!

Anyway, when we got to the country, B didn't even care to see us! He was out with the cows and acted shy when he saw us. He was afraid that we'd take him away from Pops. Apparently he was having a blast and Pops had equal fun having B as his little shadow everywhere he went. B backed up the tractor by himself, helped with the cows, drove the truck around the fields, and who knows what else! He pretty much went wherever Pops went and when he turned his truck on, B would stop whatever he was doing and run to the truck.

We went in with my parents to buy B his own little John Deere tractor from a consignment sale. You couldn't beat the price! He loves it and we decided to keep it in the country so that he would have something to play with there.